1 00:00:05,220 --> 00:00:06,730 For a film about fighting, 2 00:00:06,780 --> 00:00:09,050 there's no much blood in Gladiator. 3 00:00:09,100 --> 00:00:11,900 There's no that much fighting either. 4 00:00:11,980 --> 00:00:13,090 We can skip this bit. 5 00:00:13,140 --> 00:00:15,220 FILM MUSIC SPEEDS UP 6 00:00:16,860 --> 00:00:18,570 Stroking the wheat like a numpty. 7 00:00:18,620 --> 00:00:19,650 FILM PAUSES 8 00:00:19,700 --> 00:00:21,410 So, if you were a gladiator, 9 00:00:21,460 --> 00:00:22,810 what sort would you be? 10 00:00:22,860 --> 00:00:23,850 Tiger. 11 00:00:23,900 --> 00:00:25,570 Which human gladiator? 12 00:00:25,620 --> 00:00:27,170 What weapon would you have? 13 00:00:27,220 --> 00:00:28,570 Sword and shield. 14 00:00:28,620 --> 00:00:30,090 The classic combination. 15 00:00:30,140 --> 00:00:32,530 Stab, stab, hide! 16 00:00:32,580 --> 00:00:33,570 Nah. 17 00:00:33,620 --> 00:00:35,010 Remember that bit back in Africa? 18 00:00:35,060 --> 00:00:36,490 The guy with the fork and the net. 19 00:00:36,540 --> 00:00:37,530 I'd be him. 20 00:00:37,580 --> 00:00:40,130 Aye, and then I'd stab you with my sword, 21 00:00:40,180 --> 00:00:42,090 and hide. 22 00:00:42,140 --> 00:00:44,490 Fork and net could beat sword and shield, no bother. 23 00:00:44,540 --> 00:00:46,010 Bollocks. 24 00:00:50,540 --> 00:00:52,010 Prove it. 25 00:00:53,660 --> 00:00:54,930 Right! 26 00:00:59,460 --> 00:01:01,130 First off, that's a daft wee fork. 27 00:01:01,180 --> 00:01:03,130 ~ Net! ~ I wasn't ready! 28 00:01:03,180 --> 00:01:05,610 ~ And... fork! ~ Argh! 29 00:01:05,660 --> 00:01:07,370 That's my favourite bollock! 30 00:01:07,420 --> 00:01:09,180 MAC GIGGLES 31 00:01:36,420 --> 00:01:39,770 So I've been doing the old end of tour ammo audit... 32 00:01:39,820 --> 00:01:40,810 Yawn, boo, dull. 33 00:01:40,860 --> 00:01:44,010 .. and I've found a few tiny discrepancies I'd like you to sign off on. 34 00:01:44,060 --> 00:01:45,170 Discrepancies? 35 00:01:45,220 --> 00:01:47,490 Everyone makes the odd mistake, don't they? 36 00:01:47,540 --> 00:01:49,770 The fog of war, and all that. 37 00:01:49,820 --> 00:01:51,370 The cloud of combat. 38 00:01:51,420 --> 00:01:54,130 The mist of mislaying two dozen mortar shells. 39 00:01:54,180 --> 00:01:56,380 So here, here, and here. 40 00:01:58,660 --> 00:02:02,220 Sorry, three cases of missing flares from the first week of November? 41 00:02:03,180 --> 00:02:05,380 Makeshift firework night. 42 00:02:06,700 --> 00:02:07,730 Bickie? 43 00:02:07,780 --> 00:02:09,330 Oh, I try to avoid refined sugar. 44 00:02:09,380 --> 00:02:11,050 Course you do. 45 00:02:11,540 --> 00:02:14,640 Next to these missing 7.62 rounds, it says... 46 00:02:15,020 --> 00:02:16,690 .."barbecue"? 47 00:02:17,620 --> 00:02:20,920 The goats in question did look a BIT Taliban-y. 48 00:02:21,260 --> 00:02:23,090 Well, they had beards. 49 00:02:23,140 --> 00:02:25,050 Sir, these aren't tiny discrepancies. 50 00:02:25,100 --> 00:02:26,970 I'm not willing to just fudge the paperwork. 51 00:02:27,020 --> 00:02:30,020 Course not! Well within your rights. But... 52 00:02:30,820 --> 00:02:32,290 .. please? 53 00:02:33,340 --> 00:02:34,890 Don't make me say "pretty please". 54 00:02:34,940 --> 00:02:37,690 I'm sorry, sir, if mistakes have been made then those responsible 55 00:02:37,740 --> 00:02:39,530 should be made to face the consequences. 56 00:02:39,580 --> 00:02:41,450 Pretty please? 57 00:02:41,500 --> 00:02:42,690 I have a team meeting. 58 00:02:42,740 --> 00:02:45,410 Good work, Captain Best. Carry on. 59 00:02:51,980 --> 00:02:54,570 ~ OK, not much to discuss today. ~ Brilliant. Can we go? 60 00:02:54,620 --> 00:02:56,410 Not until we've worked through the agenda. 61 00:02:56,460 --> 00:02:58,290 Yeah! Wait for the agenda, Mac. 62 00:02:58,340 --> 00:03:01,610 Item one. Towerblock and I will be conducting ANA training. 63 00:03:01,660 --> 00:03:04,170 Or, "Hey, you Afghan twats, stop poking bombs with a stick." 64 00:03:04,220 --> 00:03:05,210 THEY LAUGH 65 00:03:05,260 --> 00:03:08,010 They have some very promising operators, actually. 66 00:03:08,060 --> 00:03:10,100 So, item one, check! 67 00:03:11,010 --> 00:03:12,010 Item two. 68 00:03:12,060 --> 00:03:13,370 Any other business? 69 00:03:13,420 --> 00:03:15,410 Did we really need an agenda? 70 00:03:15,460 --> 00:03:16,810 Can we go now, please? 71 00:03:16,860 --> 00:03:19,200 Er, well, I suppose we've... 72 00:03:19,620 --> 00:03:21,170 Yeah, erm... Dismissed. 73 00:03:21,220 --> 00:03:23,560 Right, better get a move on. 74 00:03:24,500 --> 00:03:25,650 Sorry, Simon, can you...? 75 00:03:25,700 --> 00:03:26,890 Help? Sure! 76 00:03:26,940 --> 00:03:29,940 ~ I could carry that for you? ~ I've got it. 77 00:03:38,340 --> 00:03:40,410 Er... Simon? 78 00:03:40,460 --> 00:03:41,730 Stay. 79 00:03:47,020 --> 00:03:48,130 So, boss. 80 00:03:48,180 --> 00:03:50,650 Are you going to do the whole "sick husband" routine, then? 81 00:03:50,700 --> 00:03:52,210 I'm sorry? 82 00:03:52,260 --> 00:03:54,090 I thought all female ATOs did this? 83 00:03:54,140 --> 00:03:56,690 Well, you know how the ANA don't think that women should work, 84 00:03:56,740 --> 00:03:59,290 but you say your husband's sick and he ordered you to get a job, 85 00:03:59,340 --> 00:04:01,610 and then, for some mental reason, they respect you. 86 00:04:01,660 --> 00:04:03,930 But I'm not married, so... 87 00:04:03,980 --> 00:04:05,570 Yeah, it's a tactical lie. 88 00:04:05,620 --> 00:04:06,690 To get the job done. 89 00:04:06,740 --> 00:04:08,570 If you can't get a job done without lying, 90 00:04:08,620 --> 00:04:10,410 then you're not doing that job properly. 91 00:04:10,460 --> 00:04:11,730 "H" to the "T" to the "S". 92 00:04:11,780 --> 00:04:14,880 Honesty leads to trust, leads to success. 93 00:04:15,500 --> 00:04:17,090 Have you met the ANA, boss? 94 00:04:17,140 --> 00:04:20,440 It'll be "A" to the "N" to the "no fucking way". 95 00:04:23,060 --> 00:04:24,130 You ready? 96 00:04:24,180 --> 00:04:25,690 Aye. 97 00:04:25,740 --> 00:04:27,480 Stab stab hide! 98 00:04:27,980 --> 00:04:29,130 ~ Stab, stab! ~ Net! 99 00:04:29,180 --> 00:04:31,290 Oh! 100 00:04:31,340 --> 00:04:32,610 Aah, ooh! 101 00:04:32,660 --> 00:04:33,650 And...fork! 102 00:04:33,700 --> 00:04:35,250 HE GROANS 103 00:04:35,300 --> 00:04:37,440 Argh, ma other bollock! 104 00:04:45,380 --> 00:04:46,770 Bird... 105 00:04:46,820 --> 00:04:49,820 do you think the boss is behaving oddly? 106 00:04:50,020 --> 00:04:52,370 You mean, since you started totally fancying her? 107 00:04:52,420 --> 00:04:56,890 ~ Pfft! That's too ridic... No! ~ You so do, Simon. ~ No. 108 00:04:56,940 --> 00:04:59,330 You are harbouring sexual tension. 109 00:04:59,380 --> 00:05:00,770 No. 110 00:05:00,820 --> 00:05:03,920 Says the man trying to wank off his SA-80. 111 00:05:06,700 --> 00:05:09,930 But... oh, yes, well, OK. OK. 112 00:05:09,980 --> 00:05:13,880 The boss is, purely objectively, a very attractive woman. 113 00:05:14,260 --> 00:05:16,850 If she were a civilian, would I notice her? I might well do. 114 00:05:16,900 --> 00:05:19,410 But this is the army, so I do not notice her. 115 00:05:19,460 --> 00:05:20,650 Right. 116 00:05:20,700 --> 00:05:22,050 Good. 117 00:05:22,100 --> 00:05:25,780 Could I imagine... being with someone not unlike her? 118 00:05:26,740 --> 00:05:33,250 Say... enjoying a sharing platter at a local gastro pub? 119 00:05:33,300 --> 00:05:35,770 Waking up every morning, next to her, 120 00:05:35,820 --> 00:05:38,010 waiting for little Denise, and... 121 00:05:38,060 --> 00:05:40,400 Simon Jr to scamper in? No. 122 00:05:41,380 --> 00:05:43,850 Because she is an officer, and I am not. 123 00:05:43,900 --> 00:05:46,730 And some of us, Bird, respect boundaries. 124 00:05:46,780 --> 00:05:48,250 Oh, so you're having a go at me now? 125 00:05:48,300 --> 00:05:51,810 ~ No, what happened between you and Nick is entirely your own business. ~ Oh, thank you! 126 00:05:51,860 --> 00:05:53,930 No matter how unprofessional and sordid it was. 127 00:05:53,980 --> 00:05:58,660 So, I do not need lessons from you on how not to fancy the boss. 128 00:05:59,820 --> 00:06:02,160 Which I don't anyway, so... 129 00:06:04,580 --> 00:06:07,370 ~ You know she's totally into you? ~ What? Oh. 130 00:06:07,420 --> 00:06:09,370 No. That's terrible. 131 00:06:09,420 --> 00:06:10,650 Yeah! 132 00:06:10,700 --> 00:06:13,210 But... since you saved her from that grenade, 133 00:06:13,260 --> 00:06:15,530 it's basically inevitable. 134 00:06:15,980 --> 00:06:17,050 Is it? 135 00:06:17,100 --> 00:06:19,290 Look, I never told anyone this, 136 00:06:19,340 --> 00:06:22,080 but the reason me and Nick happened? 137 00:06:23,020 --> 00:06:27,610 We did this exercise where he had to rescue me, and it totally got to me. 138 00:06:27,660 --> 00:06:29,410 We HAD to shag, 139 00:06:29,460 --> 00:06:33,970 otherwise sexual tensions would've ruined unit cohesion. 140 00:06:34,020 --> 00:06:36,650 ~ So you're saying that me and the boss, we need...? ~ No! 141 00:06:36,700 --> 00:06:38,410 No, because, like with me and Nick, 142 00:06:38,460 --> 00:06:41,460 that would be sordid and unprofessional. 143 00:06:42,100 --> 00:06:43,570 Now, you need to talk to her. 144 00:06:43,620 --> 00:06:46,010 Yeah, get everything on the table, 145 00:06:46,060 --> 00:06:48,010 ~ so you can take it off the table. ~ Ha! 146 00:06:48,060 --> 00:06:50,170 Otherwise we have sex on that table. 147 00:06:50,220 --> 00:06:51,730 Her on top, obviously. 148 00:06:51,780 --> 00:06:53,770 Rank hath its privileges. 149 00:06:53,820 --> 00:06:56,090 No, it's operational purposes... 150 00:06:56,140 --> 00:06:58,480 ~ Mm-hm. ~ .. to clear the air. 151 00:07:05,900 --> 00:07:08,170 Why did people ever abandon net and fork? 152 00:07:08,220 --> 00:07:10,450 Best melee weapon ever. 153 00:07:10,500 --> 00:07:13,240 Something better must've come along. 154 00:07:13,420 --> 00:07:14,970 Who came after the Romans? 155 00:07:15,020 --> 00:07:16,250 Huns. 156 00:07:16,300 --> 00:07:18,330 Vandals. Vikings, eventually. 157 00:07:18,380 --> 00:07:20,610 Well, there you go. Vikings. 158 00:07:20,660 --> 00:07:23,260 An axe would beat a net and fork. 159 00:07:25,780 --> 00:07:28,520 DARKLY: You starting something, pal? 160 00:07:33,460 --> 00:07:35,650 We can't start without Faruq to translate. 161 00:07:35,700 --> 00:07:37,650 S'all right, Boss. I've got a bit of Pashto. 162 00:07:37,700 --> 00:07:39,770 Oh, really? Fantastic! 163 00:07:41,860 --> 00:07:44,060 IN PASHTO: Sahr pikheyr. 164 00:07:45,940 --> 00:07:47,650 That's it, I'm out. 165 00:07:47,700 --> 00:07:49,700 Oh. Well, that was... 166 00:07:50,380 --> 00:07:51,490 Where is Faruq? 167 00:07:51,540 --> 00:07:54,580 Well, he ripped me off on some DVDs, so he's probably avoiding me. 168 00:07:55,820 --> 00:07:57,930 Oh, speak of the twat. 169 00:07:57,980 --> 00:07:59,450 Oi, you! 170 00:07:59,500 --> 00:08:01,050 I asked for two series of Top Gear. 171 00:08:01,100 --> 00:08:03,210 ~ Yes. ~ And not Chinese Top Gear. 172 00:08:03,260 --> 00:08:04,450 Proper Top Gear. 173 00:08:04,500 --> 00:08:07,290 Why would I want Chinese Jeremy Clarkson in a crappy Chinese car, 174 00:08:07,340 --> 00:08:09,050 being racist about the British? 175 00:08:09,100 --> 00:08:10,450 Although... 176 00:08:10,500 --> 00:08:12,690 Chinese Richard Hammond is PROPER funny. 177 00:08:12,740 --> 00:08:15,090 Alas, I cannot discuss business. 178 00:08:15,140 --> 00:08:16,490 For I am on strike. 179 00:08:16,540 --> 00:08:17,810 You what? 180 00:08:17,860 --> 00:08:20,130 ~ You bell-end! ~ OK, Faruq, can you tell... 181 00:08:20,180 --> 00:08:22,090 Again, alas, no. 182 00:08:22,140 --> 00:08:23,410 I am on strike. 183 00:08:23,460 --> 00:08:24,650 Er... why? 184 00:08:24,700 --> 00:08:27,290 Today, I heard about my long-awaited UK visa. 185 00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:30,330 ~ Oh, so now you're all sorted, you're just going to slack off? ~ No. 186 00:08:30,380 --> 00:08:32,330 I am on a non-priority wait list. 187 00:08:32,380 --> 00:08:35,410 They hope to issue my visa by 2022! 188 00:08:35,460 --> 00:08:38,050 Roughly six years after the Taliban kill me... 189 00:08:38,100 --> 00:08:39,090 for helping you. 190 00:08:39,140 --> 00:08:42,130 Well, I'm sorry to hear about that. But that's just how the system works. 191 00:08:42,180 --> 00:08:44,450 It's not our fault, there's nothing we can do about it. 192 00:08:44,500 --> 00:08:48,810 Fine. Then it is not your fault there will be no translating today. 193 00:08:48,860 --> 00:08:51,400 It's just how the system works. 194 00:09:02,540 --> 00:09:03,930 THO-O-OOR! 195 00:09:03,980 --> 00:09:05,010 NE-E-E-ET! 196 00:09:05,060 --> 00:09:07,500 Whoa, whoa! I'm dizzy! 197 00:09:09,180 --> 00:09:12,580 And... FO-O-O-ORK! 198 00:09:16,780 --> 00:09:18,260 Er...boss? 199 00:09:19,300 --> 00:09:21,130 Can I have a word? 200 00:09:21,180 --> 00:09:22,450 Sure. 201 00:09:29,580 --> 00:09:32,180 It's come to my attention that... 202 00:09:32,820 --> 00:09:35,530 .. certain things have... happened, 203 00:09:35,580 --> 00:09:38,410 and those things 204 00:09:38,460 --> 00:09:40,890 have had... effects. 205 00:09:40,940 --> 00:09:42,450 Sorry, what things? HE INTERRUPTS 206 00:09:42,500 --> 00:09:46,730 And it's best that we put those effects on the table, 207 00:09:46,780 --> 00:09:49,810 in case unit cohesion 208 00:09:49,860 --> 00:09:54,170 becomes unit de-hesion... un-hesion. 209 00:09:54,220 --> 00:09:56,560 I don't know the right word. 210 00:09:57,420 --> 00:09:58,650 Magnets! 211 00:09:58,700 --> 00:10:00,660 Magnets cohere. 212 00:10:01,780 --> 00:10:04,580 But it is the wrong type of cohesion. 213 00:10:05,420 --> 00:10:08,730 So, we must be like 214 00:10:08,780 --> 00:10:10,250 two magnets, 215 00:10:10,300 --> 00:10:13,500 with the wrong ends facing so that they repel. 216 00:10:15,260 --> 00:10:17,450 You KNOW what I mean. 217 00:10:17,500 --> 00:10:19,290 So there, it was... it was on the table 218 00:10:19,340 --> 00:10:21,680 and now it's off the table. 219 00:10:21,780 --> 00:10:23,090 It's over. 220 00:10:23,140 --> 00:10:24,810 It's finished. 221 00:10:25,100 --> 00:10:26,650 Magnets. 222 00:10:26,700 --> 00:10:28,900 Thank you for your time. 223 00:10:34,580 --> 00:10:37,210 It's been a long tour for Simon, hasn't it? 224 00:10:37,260 --> 00:10:39,290 It's been a long life. 225 00:10:39,340 --> 00:10:42,290 Ah, Captain Best, would you mind signing this leaving card? 226 00:10:42,340 --> 00:10:43,490 Oh. Who's it for? 227 00:10:43,540 --> 00:10:45,170 Biffa, the chef. 228 00:10:45,220 --> 00:10:46,330 Much loved. 229 00:10:46,380 --> 00:10:49,970 But we're all leaving. We're handing over the base to the ANA. 230 00:10:50,020 --> 00:10:53,170 This is the first of many, so chop chop! 231 00:10:53,220 --> 00:10:56,260 Sign here, here, here. 232 00:10:58,740 --> 00:11:00,210 HE COUGHS 233 00:11:01,340 --> 00:11:03,010 Bloody moths. 234 00:11:03,540 --> 00:11:05,810 No, fair enough. Carry on! 235 00:11:08,260 --> 00:11:09,290 Simon. 236 00:11:09,340 --> 00:11:11,330 ~ What happened? ~ Oh, sorted. 237 00:11:11,380 --> 00:11:13,610 ~ All out in the open. ~ Mmm... Not what Towerblock said. 238 00:11:13,660 --> 00:11:15,010 What?! He was listening? 239 00:11:15,060 --> 00:11:18,170 He said you made bollock-all sense. You kept going on about magnets. 240 00:11:18,220 --> 00:11:20,690 I... hmm. I may have mentioned a magnet. 241 00:11:20,740 --> 00:11:24,050 ~ OK, well, the boss didn't have a clue what you were talking about. ~ Oh. 242 00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:25,330 You need a new approach. 243 00:11:25,380 --> 00:11:27,690 Do I? Right. 244 00:11:27,740 --> 00:11:30,010 OK. We know she likes you. 245 00:11:30,060 --> 00:11:33,450 No-one can say that's not true. 246 00:11:33,500 --> 00:11:36,490 But she's in far too much denial to admit it. 247 00:11:36,540 --> 00:11:38,610 Ah... she's resisting. 248 00:11:39,700 --> 00:11:42,010 So you need to make yourself... 249 00:11:42,060 --> 00:11:43,490 irresistible. 250 00:11:43,540 --> 00:11:44,810 How, how do I do that? 251 00:11:44,860 --> 00:11:47,610 Find out what she likes in a man, and be that man. 252 00:11:47,660 --> 00:11:50,330 ~ You need to speak to her roommate. ~ Right. 253 00:11:50,380 --> 00:11:51,810 That's you! 254 00:11:51,860 --> 00:11:53,690 Bird... 255 00:11:53,740 --> 00:11:54,970 what does she like in a man? 256 00:11:55,020 --> 00:11:57,170 Well, since you ask, Simon, 257 00:11:57,220 --> 00:12:00,490 she often says the thing she misses the most, being in the army, are 258 00:12:00,540 --> 00:12:03,580 intellectual, sensitive men, who... 259 00:12:04,580 --> 00:12:06,580 .. who like animals. 260 00:12:10,700 --> 00:12:13,640 This poor cow and its inverted uterus! 261 00:12:14,940 --> 00:12:17,280 I saw that once on a cat... 262 00:12:17,740 --> 00:12:21,050 .. after my mate Stevie shoved a Hoover up its arse. 263 00:12:21,100 --> 00:12:22,490 Are you all right, Simon? 264 00:12:22,540 --> 00:12:24,540 It's just so moving. 265 00:12:25,220 --> 00:12:27,760 And intellectually stimulating. 266 00:12:30,060 --> 00:12:32,060 Like a sad crossword. 267 00:12:45,340 --> 00:12:48,490 OK, Towerblock, confirming disruption. I'm on my way back. 268 00:12:48,540 --> 00:12:49,610 'Roger that, boss. 269 00:12:49,660 --> 00:12:51,660 'Have a nice paddle.' 270 00:13:01,700 --> 00:13:04,850 So, the device is much bigger than I expected. 271 00:13:04,900 --> 00:13:07,890 Four containers of HME, circa 30 kilos each, so... 272 00:13:07,940 --> 00:13:10,850 ~ 'Oh, mint!' ~ I'm going to need some more pulleys. 273 00:13:10,900 --> 00:13:12,340 'Boss.' 274 00:13:14,620 --> 00:13:17,770 Oh, boss, PLEASE can we blow it in situ? Please, please, please? 275 00:13:17,820 --> 00:13:20,130 No, because then we'd destroy the bridge 276 00:13:20,180 --> 00:13:21,730 that the engineers are coming to fix. 277 00:13:21,780 --> 00:13:24,010 Yeah. The Wedge love a challenge! 278 00:13:24,060 --> 00:13:25,490 Thank you. 279 00:13:25,540 --> 00:13:27,340 Boss on the move! 280 00:13:30,780 --> 00:13:32,130 ENGINE RUMBLING 281 00:13:32,180 --> 00:13:33,210 Skip! 282 00:13:33,260 --> 00:13:35,200 We've got a dicker. 283 00:13:36,100 --> 00:13:37,850 ROCKET: He's not stopping. 284 00:13:37,900 --> 00:13:39,170 Ma'am. 285 00:13:40,660 --> 00:13:42,690 Getting chatter on ICOM. 286 00:13:42,740 --> 00:13:45,840 OK, Rocket, if I give the word, take him out. 287 00:13:46,540 --> 00:13:47,650 Wait! 288 00:13:47,700 --> 00:13:49,500 It's just Faruq. 289 00:13:50,620 --> 00:13:53,160 Should I still shoot him, skip? 290 00:13:53,420 --> 00:13:54,890 SADLY: No. 291 00:13:59,300 --> 00:14:00,770 Hello, my friends! 292 00:14:00,820 --> 00:14:03,690 Not a dicker, just a dick. 293 00:14:03,740 --> 00:14:05,370 You not on strike any more then? 294 00:14:05,420 --> 00:14:08,130 I am merely bringing refreshments for the ANA. 295 00:14:08,180 --> 00:14:09,250 ROCKET: Oh! 296 00:14:09,300 --> 00:14:11,330 Behold, sorbets! 297 00:14:11,380 --> 00:14:13,930 I have mango, opium, chicken. 298 00:14:13,980 --> 00:14:15,120 Oh! 299 00:14:18,220 --> 00:14:19,250 Bit more on ICOM. 300 00:14:19,300 --> 00:14:20,770 Faruq, you want to help us out here? 301 00:14:20,820 --> 00:14:23,530 Ah. Sadly, I remain on strike. 302 00:14:23,580 --> 00:14:26,730 Oh, then you won't be able to translate this! 303 00:14:26,780 --> 00:14:28,930 GUNFIRE 304 00:14:28,980 --> 00:14:31,320 ~ Contact! ~ Contact! ~ Contact! 305 00:14:32,780 --> 00:14:34,050 Boss! 306 00:14:43,260 --> 00:14:46,660 ICOM'S going mental! Faruq, what are they saying? 307 00:14:47,100 --> 00:14:48,930 Take it! 308 00:14:48,980 --> 00:14:51,920 Faruq, will you stop being a bell-end? 309 00:14:57,540 --> 00:14:59,610 The barren spinster... 310 00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:02,840 .. is by the river. 311 00:15:05,260 --> 00:15:08,360 They are trying to capture Captain Ellen! 312 00:15:10,100 --> 00:15:12,700 Simon! Six o'clock, in the river! 313 00:15:27,700 --> 00:15:28,730 They are retreating. 314 00:15:28,780 --> 00:15:30,460 GUNFIRE STOPS 315 00:15:36,060 --> 00:15:38,250 ~ Are you OK, boss? ~ Fine. 316 00:15:38,300 --> 00:15:40,730 Much as I hate to say it, Faruq just saved your arse, there. 317 00:15:40,780 --> 00:15:41,770 Faruq? 318 00:15:41,820 --> 00:15:44,920 Don't worry, ma'am, I was all over your arse. 319 00:15:45,180 --> 00:15:47,450 ~ Er, no, I meant an eye on the... ~ Yes, thanks, Simon. 320 00:15:47,500 --> 00:15:51,090 Towerblock, if Faruq wasn't on strike, we'd be aware of the threat in the first place. 321 00:15:51,140 --> 00:15:54,690 I'm just saying, maybe we should try and sort his visa. 322 00:15:54,740 --> 00:15:56,850 If Faruq stays on strike, we can't do training, 323 00:15:56,900 --> 00:15:58,370 ops are compromised. 324 00:15:58,420 --> 00:16:00,090 At least ask the Colonel about it, boss. 325 00:16:00,140 --> 00:16:03,450 Look, if you think you can do something about it, then be my guest. 326 00:16:03,500 --> 00:16:05,450 ROCKET: Chicken... not nice. 327 00:16:05,500 --> 00:16:06,930 Should've gone for the opium. 328 00:16:06,980 --> 00:16:08,250 Eurgh! 329 00:16:17,100 --> 00:16:19,450 ~ Sir. ~ At ease, Corporal. 330 00:16:19,500 --> 00:16:20,890 Now, what can I do for you? 331 00:16:20,940 --> 00:16:22,930 Sir, it's about Faruq's visa. 332 00:16:22,980 --> 00:16:24,570 He won't get it until 2022. 333 00:16:24,620 --> 00:16:25,970 By which time the Taliban will be 334 00:16:26,020 --> 00:16:28,450 using his skull as a novelty commode. 335 00:16:28,500 --> 00:16:29,730 Tricky. 336 00:16:29,780 --> 00:16:32,860 Trouble is, Captain Best didn't exactly give him a glowing reference. 337 00:16:33,900 --> 00:16:36,640 So, if he had a better reference...? 338 00:16:36,820 --> 00:16:38,210 Who knows? 339 00:16:38,260 --> 00:16:39,370 Well, I do. 340 00:16:39,420 --> 00:16:43,210 He'd get put on the priority wait list and get a visa within weeks. 341 00:16:43,260 --> 00:16:45,370 Here's his application, should anyone wish to... 342 00:16:45,420 --> 00:16:47,360 reconsider matters. 343 00:16:48,340 --> 00:16:50,490 He hasn't helped himself, mind. 344 00:16:50,540 --> 00:16:51,970 Look at his CV! 345 00:16:52,020 --> 00:16:54,170 "Interpreter, salesman... 346 00:16:54,220 --> 00:16:55,330 "crooner"?! 347 00:16:55,380 --> 00:16:58,130 Well, who hasn't pimped their CV a bit? 348 00:16:58,180 --> 00:17:00,890 Mine says that I'm a team player who's good with people! 349 00:17:00,940 --> 00:17:03,080 Now piss off, you twat! 350 00:17:03,580 --> 00:17:04,780 See? 351 00:17:11,700 --> 00:17:13,770 I'm not sure this is going to work. 352 00:17:13,820 --> 00:17:15,490 About-turn on that medal. 353 00:17:15,540 --> 00:17:19,650 What woman doesn't love the sight of glistening muscles? 354 00:17:19,700 --> 00:17:22,290 Oh, God, I smell like a bloody chip shop. 355 00:17:22,340 --> 00:17:25,740 Trust me, Simon. I'm close to jumping you myself. 356 00:17:27,980 --> 00:17:29,250 Right. 357 00:17:32,060 --> 00:17:33,980 ~ Aah! ~ THUD 358 00:17:35,060 --> 00:17:37,300 ~ All right? ~ Yes... 359 00:17:38,820 --> 00:17:41,330 Listen, you know how you said Faruq's visa wasn't our fault? 360 00:17:41,380 --> 00:17:43,250 Well... it is. 361 00:17:43,300 --> 00:17:45,410 How? I wrote him a nice, honest reference. 362 00:17:45,460 --> 00:17:47,730 Which is exactly why they won't let him in the country. 363 00:17:47,780 --> 00:17:49,490 Well, it's too late to change it now. 364 00:17:49,540 --> 00:17:52,650 And even if it isn't, it's against my principles to just lie. 365 00:17:52,700 --> 00:17:55,290 Yeah. I mean, you know what the Taliban do 366 00:17:55,340 --> 00:17:56,890 to 'terps that they capture, but... 367 00:17:56,940 --> 00:17:58,850 your principles, yeah, they come first. 368 00:17:58,900 --> 00:18:02,300 Yeah, I get that, ma'am, I really fucking get it. 369 00:18:08,140 --> 00:18:11,420 Cha-a-a-a-arge! 370 00:18:12,690 --> 00:18:13,690 Whoa-oh! 371 00:18:13,740 --> 00:18:14,730 Whoa! 372 00:18:14,780 --> 00:18:16,860 CRASH 373 00:18:18,730 --> 00:18:19,730 DEBRIS RATTLES 374 00:18:19,780 --> 00:18:21,850 ROCKET GRUNTS 375 00:18:21,900 --> 00:18:24,970 HE PANTS 376 00:18:25,020 --> 00:18:27,500 HE GROANS 377 00:18:28,820 --> 00:18:29,850 And fork! 378 00:18:29,900 --> 00:18:31,370 Not the bollocks! 379 00:18:31,420 --> 00:18:32,490 Oh! 380 00:18:32,540 --> 00:18:34,080 Ma nipples! 381 00:18:39,060 --> 00:18:40,650 Ah, Captain Best. 382 00:18:40,700 --> 00:18:42,210 What can I do for you? 383 00:18:42,260 --> 00:18:45,130 I would like to file a new reference for Faruq, 384 00:18:45,180 --> 00:18:46,490 to help with his visa. 385 00:18:46,540 --> 00:18:49,010 Impossible, sadly, the application's in the system now. 386 00:18:49,060 --> 00:18:50,930 ~ But Towerblock said... ~ Unless... 387 00:18:50,980 --> 00:18:52,970 if there had been a mistake with the paperwork, 388 00:18:53,020 --> 00:18:55,620 I'm sure people would understand. 389 00:18:55,700 --> 00:18:57,900 Fog of war, and all that. 390 00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:03,820 Sir, I have made a... 391 00:19:05,860 --> 00:19:08,730 .. mistake, with Faruq's reference. 392 00:19:08,780 --> 00:19:10,010 Really? 393 00:19:10,060 --> 00:19:11,170 Gosh! 394 00:19:11,220 --> 00:19:12,610 That's not like you. 395 00:19:12,660 --> 00:19:15,450 No, it's not. It's really, really not. 396 00:19:15,500 --> 00:19:18,060 But I, accidentally... 397 00:19:19,380 --> 00:19:21,290 .. filed a reference meant for someone else. 398 00:19:21,340 --> 00:19:23,010 Are you sure? 399 00:19:23,420 --> 00:19:24,770 I've got a copy here. 400 00:19:24,820 --> 00:19:27,020 Let's have a little look. 401 00:19:27,420 --> 00:19:30,650 "His attitude to property is morally flexible." 402 00:19:30,700 --> 00:19:31,930 Yes, I did write that. 403 00:19:31,980 --> 00:19:34,260 But that is actually... 404 00:19:35,340 --> 00:19:37,770 .. Mac's end of tour appraisal. 405 00:19:37,820 --> 00:19:38,970 Really? 406 00:19:39,020 --> 00:19:40,650 Ah, well of course. 407 00:19:40,700 --> 00:19:43,770 "His spoken English is passable at best." That does make sense. 408 00:19:43,820 --> 00:19:46,020 This is the correct one. 409 00:19:47,820 --> 00:19:50,570 "He is an exemplary colleague, and trusted friend." 410 00:19:50,620 --> 00:19:51,890 What a contrasting tone. 411 00:19:51,940 --> 00:19:53,570 HE CHUCKLES 412 00:19:53,620 --> 00:19:55,010 So, you want to swap the two? 413 00:19:55,060 --> 00:19:57,530 If it wouldn't be too much trouble, sir. 414 00:19:57,580 --> 00:19:59,690 Oh, I've just remembered. 415 00:19:59,740 --> 00:20:02,840 I've got a paperwork-related problem, too. 416 00:20:03,260 --> 00:20:05,090 Now, what was it again? 417 00:20:05,140 --> 00:20:06,540 Oh, yes. 418 00:20:07,340 --> 00:20:09,130 The ammunition audit! 419 00:20:09,180 --> 00:20:12,770 You couldn't just append your signature here, here... 420 00:20:12,820 --> 00:20:14,370 and here, 421 00:20:14,420 --> 00:20:15,890 could you? 422 00:20:17,740 --> 00:20:19,740 ~ Certainly, sir. ~ Mmm. 423 00:20:22,620 --> 00:20:24,560 Thank you, Captain. 424 00:20:25,140 --> 00:20:27,090 And I will just do... 425 00:20:27,140 --> 00:20:28,290 this. 426 00:20:28,340 --> 00:20:29,530 There. 427 00:20:29,580 --> 00:20:31,530 That wasn't so bad, was it? 428 00:20:31,580 --> 00:20:32,810 No, sir. 429 00:20:32,860 --> 00:20:34,330 Carry on. 430 00:20:38,620 --> 00:20:40,650 Romance?! Really? 431 00:20:40,700 --> 00:20:42,290 What can I say? We're roomies. 432 00:20:42,340 --> 00:20:44,930 She likes a bit of candlelight, a bit of music. 433 00:20:44,980 --> 00:20:46,610 Simon, it's for the good of the team. 434 00:20:46,660 --> 00:20:49,330 No, I am SHIT at romance. 435 00:20:49,380 --> 00:20:51,970 Once, for Charlotte, I put a hundred candles in our bedroom. 436 00:20:52,020 --> 00:20:53,690 FYI... 437 00:20:53,740 --> 00:20:57,130 it takes seconds for a polycotton duvet to be consumed by flame, so... 438 00:20:57,180 --> 00:21:00,930 She actually said your name in her sleep last night. 439 00:21:00,980 --> 00:21:02,770 You... 440 00:21:02,820 --> 00:21:06,050 DREAMILY: "Oh, Si-i-imon... 441 00:21:06,100 --> 00:21:09,210 "Si-i-imo-o-o-on!" 442 00:21:09,260 --> 00:21:11,650 Oh, God. 443 00:21:11,700 --> 00:21:12,770 Poor Ellen. 444 00:21:12,820 --> 00:21:14,620 Yeah, poor Ellen. 445 00:21:15,260 --> 00:21:17,100 Poor, poor Ellen. 446 00:21:19,420 --> 00:21:22,090 I suddenly really need the toilet. 447 00:21:22,180 --> 00:21:23,980 I'm not having... 448 00:21:25,380 --> 00:21:26,930 Taking a piss. 449 00:21:26,980 --> 00:21:29,940 And not a... sex piss. 450 00:21:30,980 --> 00:21:34,080 The hand will remain stationary at all times. 451 00:22:09,420 --> 00:22:12,860 And so, the decline of the Roman Empire remains a mystery. 452 00:22:14,420 --> 00:22:15,690 TOWERBLOCK: Bollocks! 453 00:22:15,740 --> 00:22:17,810 There's no way that net and fork's any good. 454 00:22:17,860 --> 00:22:20,770 An army that marches with net and fork is invincible. 455 00:22:20,820 --> 00:22:22,050 As I will prove, 456 00:22:22,100 --> 00:22:23,250 when we get back to base. 457 00:22:23,300 --> 00:22:25,010 You're on. 458 00:22:25,060 --> 00:22:27,090 Mr Towerblock. 459 00:22:27,140 --> 00:22:29,340 I have a present for you! 460 00:22:30,460 --> 00:22:32,210 The puddings of Yorkshire! 461 00:22:32,260 --> 00:22:33,730 Oh, mint! Where'd you get them? 462 00:22:33,780 --> 00:22:35,090 You don't want to know. 463 00:22:35,140 --> 00:22:37,690 And you probably don't want to eat them. 464 00:22:37,740 --> 00:22:39,410 But is the thought that counts! 465 00:22:39,460 --> 00:22:41,450 Sort-of-cheers, Faruq. 466 00:22:41,500 --> 00:22:44,130 No, thank YOU. 467 00:22:44,180 --> 00:22:48,050 For, this morning, I have heard that my visa is being fast-tracked. 468 00:22:48,100 --> 00:22:50,130 Kilmarnock, here I come! 469 00:22:50,180 --> 00:22:51,170 Kilmarnock? 470 00:22:51,220 --> 00:22:54,720 Hmm. You'll be begging to come back within a month. 471 00:22:54,860 --> 00:22:56,730 Ah, Captain Ellen! 472 00:22:57,580 --> 00:22:58,980 For you! 473 00:22:59,780 --> 00:23:02,010 The Great Chinese Bake Off! 474 00:23:02,060 --> 00:23:03,610 Thanks! 475 00:23:03,660 --> 00:23:04,930 I am now back to work! 476 00:23:04,980 --> 00:23:09,490 Right. Well, could you get our ANA colleagues to have a look at what I've pulled out of the ground? 477 00:23:09,540 --> 00:23:11,480 With much pleasure! 478 00:23:21,540 --> 00:23:23,610 Oh, boss, you care to join me? 479 00:23:23,660 --> 00:23:25,730 Oh, sorry. IED report. 480 00:23:41,420 --> 00:23:42,690 What do you want, Simon? 481 00:23:42,740 --> 00:23:44,680 I just wanted to... 482 00:23:47,340 --> 00:23:48,970 We should actually be sitting... 483 00:23:49,020 --> 00:23:50,010 It doesn't matter. 484 00:23:50,060 --> 00:23:52,140 GUITAR STRUMS 485 00:23:55,820 --> 00:23:59,770 ~ Ooh, got some flowers. ~ I need some love like I've never needed love before 486 00:23:59,820 --> 00:24:02,220 Wanna make love to ya, baby 487 00:24:02,540 --> 00:24:04,450 Had a little love 488 00:24:04,500 --> 00:24:06,170 ~ Now I'm back for more... ~ There we are. 489 00:24:06,220 --> 00:24:08,970 ~ Wanna make love to ya, baby... ~ OK, clearly we DO need to talk. 490 00:24:09,020 --> 00:24:10,620 Faruq, shhh! 491 00:24:13,260 --> 00:24:15,170 There's been too much dishonesty recently, 492 00:24:15,220 --> 00:24:17,530 ~ so I want you to be completely straight with me. ~ OK. 493 00:24:17,580 --> 00:24:19,090 Do you find me attractive? 494 00:24:19,140 --> 00:24:21,340 No! The opposite of that. 495 00:24:21,900 --> 00:24:23,530 OK... and thanks, by the way. 496 00:24:23,580 --> 00:24:26,730 So, you're sure you don't have any feelings for me? 497 00:24:26,780 --> 00:24:29,690 Oh! Is this what you're getting from all this? Huh! 498 00:24:29,740 --> 00:24:31,570 Because if you do, that's OK. 499 00:24:31,620 --> 00:24:33,610 ~ Is it? ~ Yes. ~ Then I do! 500 00:24:33,660 --> 00:24:34,970 I really do! I... 501 00:24:35,020 --> 00:24:38,090 I think I love you, Captain Best! 502 00:24:38,140 --> 00:24:41,330 But...I'm your superior officer, so you must get over them. 503 00:24:41,380 --> 00:24:44,210 ~ I could go to Sandhurst, to be a Captain too. ~ No. 504 00:24:44,260 --> 00:24:46,650 Or I could... quit the army, 505 00:24:46,700 --> 00:24:48,010 right now. 506 00:24:48,060 --> 00:24:49,530 I resign. 507 00:24:50,780 --> 00:24:53,650 ~ I resi-i-i... ~ VELCRO RIPS SLOWLY 508 00:24:53,700 --> 00:24:54,850 There! 509 00:24:54,900 --> 00:24:55,930 I'm free of the army. 510 00:24:55,980 --> 00:24:59,330 No, you're in breach of uniform regulations! Get a grip, Corporal! 511 00:24:59,380 --> 00:25:00,490 But... 512 00:25:00,540 --> 00:25:03,080 you have feelings for me too... 513 00:25:03,740 --> 00:25:04,770 .. don't you? 514 00:25:04,820 --> 00:25:07,490 I respect you very much as a soldier, 515 00:25:07,540 --> 00:25:09,540 but beyond that, no. 516 00:25:09,980 --> 00:25:11,530 But I saved your life! 517 00:25:11,580 --> 00:25:14,610 ~ And you were doing your job. ~ (Twice!) ~ Both times. 518 00:25:14,660 --> 00:25:16,490 So, I'm sorry that you feel this way, Simon, 519 00:25:16,540 --> 00:25:19,840 but I do not, will not, and cannot reciprocate. 520 00:25:20,460 --> 00:25:22,130 ~ Clear? ~ Ma'am. 521 00:25:28,620 --> 00:25:30,580 GUITAR STRUMS 522 00:25:34,780 --> 00:25:37,570 Whatever I said, whatever I did 523 00:25:37,620 --> 00:25:39,010 I didn't mean it 524 00:25:39,060 --> 00:25:41,570 I just want you back for good 525 00:25:41,620 --> 00:25:43,130 Want you back 526 00:25:43,180 --> 00:25:44,730 Want you back 527 00:25:44,780 --> 00:25:46,610 Want you back for go-o-od 528 00:25:46,660 --> 00:25:48,170 Whenever I'm wrong... 529 00:25:48,220 --> 00:25:50,020 She loves me not. 530 00:25:50,540 --> 00:25:52,340 She loves me not. 531 00:25:53,020 --> 00:25:54,820 She loves me not. 532 00:25:56,380 --> 00:25:58,180 She loves me not. 533 00:26:00,980 --> 00:26:03,490 What the fuck did you make me do? 534 00:26:03,540 --> 00:26:05,540 Oh, it was therapy! 535 00:26:06,500 --> 00:26:10,250 ~ If I hadn't done all that, you'd be hung up on her for years, like with Charlotte. ~ But... 536 00:26:10,300 --> 00:26:11,930 Now, you can move on. 537 00:26:11,980 --> 00:26:13,780 Find someone new. 538 00:26:14,060 --> 00:26:15,410 There's no-one. 539 00:26:15,460 --> 00:26:17,290 SHE SIGHS There will be. 540 00:26:17,340 --> 00:26:20,450 Someone on your level. Someone who shows an interest in you. 541 00:26:20,500 --> 00:26:23,660 ROMANTIC WISTFUL GUITAR 542 00:26:27,460 --> 00:26:28,770 Fucking hell! 543 00:26:28,820 --> 00:26:30,210 Not me, you dickhead! 544 00:26:30,260 --> 00:26:32,810 ~ Oh, God! ~ Oh, God! 545 00:26:32,860 --> 00:26:34,260 Oh, God! 546 00:26:35,700 --> 00:26:37,170 (Oh, God.) 547 00:26:47,460 --> 00:26:48,490 Oh! 548 00:26:48,540 --> 00:26:50,090 Rifle's no fair! 549 00:26:50,140 --> 00:26:52,170 It's got to be a melee weapon! 550 00:26:52,220 --> 00:26:53,890 Fix bayonets. 551 00:26:57,540 --> 00:26:58,850 OK... 552 00:26:58,900 --> 00:27:00,450 but no bullets. 553 00:27:00,500 --> 00:27:02,440 That'd be cheating. 554 00:27:06,620 --> 00:27:10,020 LOW DRUM, SPEEDING UP 555 00:27:14,180 --> 00:27:15,890 On my signal, 556 00:27:15,940 --> 00:27:21,170 unleash he-e-e-e-ell! 557 00:27:21,220 --> 00:27:22,210 Argh! 558 00:27:22,260 --> 00:27:24,530 AIRHORN BLASTS 559 00:27:24,580 --> 00:27:25,970 My net! 560 00:27:26,020 --> 00:27:27,010 Ah! 561 00:27:27,060 --> 00:27:29,100 Ah, shit! No! 562 00:27:30,820 --> 00:27:32,170 Oh. 563 00:27:32,220 --> 00:27:33,850 Help! 564 00:27:33,900 --> 00:27:35,210 Well... 565 00:27:35,260 --> 00:27:36,530 that answered that question. 566 00:27:36,580 --> 00:27:38,700 ROCKET LAUGHS MADLY 567 00:27:40,260 --> 00:27:42,370 ~ Fork! ~ MAC GROANS 568 00:27:42,420 --> 00:27:45,530 ~ Fork, fork, fork! ~ MAC GROANS 569 00:27:45,580 --> 00:27:47,530 Fork! 570 00:27:47,580 --> 00:27:48,620 Fork! Fork... 571 00:27:48,670 --> 00:27:53,220 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0